The Woes of the Most Powerful Nation's Most Powerful City

(Publishing now...will add pictures later :-\ )

I'm an amiable guy, generally enjoy conversation with the people I meet.  But that doesn't mean I can't become a raging ball of inner turmoil the instant I meet you.

Don't get too concerned, this status comes infrequently at best and is a direct result of, as far as I can tell, your location of origin.  No, no, I'm not racist.

The story begins approximately twenty-six years ago.  And quickly jumps forward to three and a half years ago.  During the jump, I obtained a valuable personality trait.  Awareness of others.  The act of being considerate.  All around...recognition of the circumstances.

Example.  I see you with your blinker on trying to get into my lane.  I could a) block you and laugh at your misfortune, or b) not.  I choose option "b" 99 times out of, well, 99.  

An important event happened three and a half years ago.  I moved from the suburban area of New Castle, DE to the metropolitan area of the District of Columbia.  I may go so far as to say the biggest game-changing event of my still youthful life.  I was immediately shoved into a world I was not used to, but my awareness, consideration, and recognition (as discussed above) quickly became a key roll in my seamless transition into my new lifestyle.  Acceptance was had.

Now I have become a somewhat experienced veteran of the life in DC; one with a smartphone capable of saving the world.  

First, though, I must jump back and describe my habits a little better.  I wake up and stroll around the apartment without a care in the world as I get ready for work, mindlessly doing the necessary things to depart, as well as other unnecessary things if I feel so inclined.  Time passes by unnoticed.  As I near my final tasks of preparation, I will look at my DC metro (subway) application on my phone, which gives me updates on the time left.  I know how long it takes to get from my apartment to the metro in time.  I will leave my apartment, walk my quick-walk (or less quick if I am a bit ahead of schedule) to the metro, and board the train (frequently getting there as it arrives, or even rushing through just before the doors close).  I am picture perfect.

Now, I take my time getting ready and easily could be there faster, but if I miss this I typically am stuck waiting 12 minutes or so for the next train.  Needless to say, when I am stuck waiting 12 minutes, I am very distraught (though I have put no effort into ensuring i make it there sooner to prevent this from happening).

You may be wondering why a racist is telling you all of this.  Well, to clarify again: no, I am not a racist.

Yesterday, on my way from work, I checked the time on the train (thanks, smartphone!) and saw it was coming soon.  Too soon.  The next train won't be for another 12-20 minutes, because its too late at night!  But, its an outdoor metro stop so I can SEE it coming--I know that I can make it if I jog.  So, I shamelessly plunge ahead, feet pounding the bricks in an effort to make this train that will pointlessly get me home earlier.  

I get to the turnstile dealie, speed through (thanks, smartcard!) and... (...pause...I sure do love things with "smart" in front of them...interesting.)  ..and that's when I see the person just starting up the escalator.  Ok, ok, yes...in order to make this train that is presently arriving, I need to make it up the steps with some semblance of rushing.  But, though this woman is greatly obese, that plays into my favor--she will move to the side.

WRONG.  She, in what might have been the most impressive personal struggle I have ever seen, ever so slowly hobbles up the steps.  I could just see the sheer torture she was putting herself through in hopes of burning off 3 calories or some such.  Bravo, to you.  This would be all fine and dandy if MY TRAIN WASN'T "Step back, doors closing"'ing!  NO!!!  Can I squeeze past?  Nay, her two purses are swinging dangerously in the remaining quarter'ish of the escalator stairs that is left.

Defeat is a hard thing to accept.  The doors above close as i am stuck behind this woman, screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside, outwardly with an expression of intense hatred directed to anyone who can see in front of me.  

I HATE TOURISTS.

I will now ramble on.  Where I live, the escalators include TWO upward and TWO downward paths.  When you begin your journey downward, you are incapable of knowing what perils lie ahead.  Your only choice is to base your chosen escalator off the people directly ahead of you, and, well, a mental coin flip.  

Situation: 2 minutes until metro arrival.

• I chose the right most escalator, as I see two people going down left and hope that that is a sign that left is the popular escalator today.  I am totally prepared to race down the 100-150 stair escalator in an effort to make my train on time, as I had previously delayed to the last second and had no time to spare. 

• I take four or five steps to where the escalator plunges into the depths of the cave that is the metro stop, and see my worst fear ahead.  A group blocking both sides.  Stroller.  Children everywhere.  It's too late.  I'm doomed before I even take another step.

I also jog.  A lot.  Near the monuments, for some god awful reason.

Situation: 10 foot wide path.

• I enter the pathway, chains on both sides in a minimal effort to bar you from walking on the grass too much, focused on my pace, music, some girl's ass, SOMETHING besides what lie in the not too distant future.

• Up ahead....doom.  A group of as little as 5 spans the entire walkway, feeling some necessity to be directly next to everyone in their group.  I must analyze the group for their weakest point and zero in on it.  "Excuse me!"  Surprise bitches!  I break through and continue on.  This one would be ok by itself, almost humorous, but its grown to be just as bad as the others.  GET OUT OF MY WAY AHHHHH.

I frequently buy little things such as snacks, drinks, snacks, drinks...milk, cereal, snacks, etc. at the local CVS.

Situation:  Hungry.

• Unfortunately, the business district of Northern Virginia in which I presently reside has some downsides, food related.  Mainly, everything closes early.  10 o'clock is late for something to close here.  Weekends included.  In comes said CVS. 
• Unfortunately, that CVS is strangely in the heart of an ABC building which for some other strange reason is the standard dropoff for some asian tourist company (I hear its due to the dim sum located therein....)
• Enter CVS at your own risk when you see a tour bus parked outside the ABC building...all the aisles are packed with small groups of man/woman flirting with each other over, laughing over random objects that they don't quite understand culturally.  GET OUT OF MY WAY AHHHHH.

In case any tourists, or future tourists, are reading this...there is one simple rule to follow to not piss off the locals.  Stand to the right on the escalator.  All of you.  Yes, your entire group.  Or walk up/down (if you are physically capable***** very important...see story above).